journal01

StephenPhillips

journal

n a Sunday night - late in February of the year 2000 _ a friend and colleague came up to me at work and said, "Stephen, I'm tired of watching you kill yourself."

By this point in my drinking career - I was too tired to argue. I turned to him and said, "I've got the white flag up - but I don't know what to do." My friend would spend time during that next week, making calls to various hospitals and institutions, and then reporting back that I should march myself into the emergency room at Kaiser Hospital - wait as long as it takes - and then tell the doctor exactly what I was doing to myself - and prepare to be hospitalized.

What I'd been doing to myself during that last six months was consuming two liters of hard liquor a day (and often more) - seven days a week. It hadn't always gone this way. But in that last half year - I'd developed a fierce depression and had slipped deep into what doctors call level three alcoholism. Every cell in my body was literally dying for a drink.

I'd been drinking over an adolescent depression from the age of sixteen to the age of fifty. On March 9, 2000, I entered that emergency room - The staff knew what I was up against and provided the help and support to see me through it. It was a 'miracle' that I still had hospitalization through Kaiser / Permanente. They have a wonderful facility in San Francisco - their Chemical Dependency Recovery Program - where I received the medicines I would need to get through the first horrible days of not drinking - and later to aid me through the healing of my adolescent depression - which came thundering back into my consciousness after eight months of sobriety.

One of the most difficult things for an alcoholic and addict to do is to ask for help. After reflecting on my own experience and looking at the story of countless others - I am convinced that the suffering cannot end without outside help.

At the time I began sobriety -

the thought of attending AA was repulsive to me.

This has changed. They can & will help - right NOW!

Alcoholics Anonymous is NOT a religious organization -

It can rightly be called a spiritual program - but it works as well for the Atheist or the Agnostic as it does the Catholic, the Baptist, or the Zen Buddhist.

In San Francisco call 415-674-1821 - 24 hours a day.

Or - click on THIS LINK for a list of AA offices throughout the United States and Canada.

Take care of yourself and be well.

ne of the counselors at Kaiser suggested, "that it's too bad we don't have a picture of ourselves when we were drinking."

Well - I do have such a picture. It was taken by a dear friend - a woman named Jeri - who was a bartender at 'The Gold Cane' bar in San Francisco. It was taken on a Saturday afternoon. I was only working two days a week at the time and would usually call in 'sick' on one of them ( as was the case here ). On this day I would have started work at 11:30 AM - And the Gold Cane didn't open until noon. I know the day of the week as there is a Saturday 'San Francisco Examiner' newspaper in front of me. From the pager on my belt - I calculate that this would have been either 1992 or '93.

I had the pattern of starting my drinking at 6 AM - at 'The Hearth Bar' in San Francisco's Richmond District - so by the time I reached the 'Gold Cane', I was quite 'stewed'. Jeri took this picture without my knowledge - and presented the print to me about a week later. I came across it during one of the numerous attempts I was making at cleaning my filthy and cluttered flat. It stands as a glaring reminder of how much 'life' there was in my disease.

today...

his sober alcoholic lives a rich and full life. My gratitude for those who reached out & helped me - and stood by me - is huge - and truly humbling.

Yet - in the words of the AA Big Book - "We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. And I'm reminded many times a day of my humanity - and all its imperfection. I know I'm very fortunate to have survived what I did to my body, mind, and spirit over those thirty-four years. I am truly graced with the gift of every single day of life from here on. I welcome each of them with all my heart - grateful for each opportunity to 'give back' - for each puzzle to solve - for each person to meet and perhaps 'touch' in some way. I own my past - and stand atop its wreckage.

MARCH 9, 2010 - marked the tenth anniversary in my living a Sober Life - Here are some thoughts...

If there was one thing I could share with my fellow alcoholic/addict who is still suffering - it is that this side of that wall isn't one of bleakness and deprivation. Rather, it is a world of vast joy, humor, and possibilities.

Each day that I awaken to this life - I give thanks. I know that I'm up for whatever challenges are there - good and bad. I don't want to know what the day will bring - I simply express my willingness to meet it head-on and with love and serenity. Where once my chest contained a 'hole' of grief and pain - it now contains a whole heart - filled with love, acceptance, and peace.

I feel great. To enter each day without the hangover, dry mouth, nausea, diarrhea, and dizziness - is its own celebration. I sleep soundly and awaken refreshed.

Much thanks here. I'll start by thanking my friend, Phil, at work - who got me to declare my willingness to be well. To express thanks to the staff of Kaiser's Chemical Dependency Recovery Program, without whose assistance I'd have been hard pressed to have achieved recovery - especially in light of the depression they helped me through. Thanks my four sponsor's in AA: Bill C. (who managed to drag me to my first AA meeting), to Chris, and to Mike C., and my pal Jim D. - who got me through the 'twelve steps' with great love and patience - (get well my friend). To my sponsees who help keep me in touch with the steps and with my program. To Yvonne for her tireless aid in showing me the means to rise above the clutter - in body, mind, and spirit - she remains a 'miracle' in this man's life.

A special thanks too, to everyone at the daily Six A.M. Meeting of AA at the Marina Drydock. You good souls are truly my family and I love everyone of you with all my heart. Each day that I manage to start in your good company - is a day with a giant head-start. The frequent laughter and occasional tear - are sustaining and inspirational.

From last year - my ninth soberiety birthday: "I was going to re-write this journal page. Yet reading it over, there is little I would change."

"Instead, I will simply acknowledge the passing of three dear, close friends - who died of this disease over the past two years. Michael Purcell, Jesse Rogers, and my sponsee, Bob Miller (who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge). I love all three of you. I love your stubornness and your abundant hearts. I'll miss your ready smiles and warm affection. I know the boundless sorrow in this disease that claimed you. May you know love and peace. You are missed beyond what mere words are capable of expressing."

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